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I have a lot of feelings about this, okay?

I've been going through a lot of turmoil lately in regards to my sexuality and how I feel about religion. I have landed squarely on the bisexual atheist block. I'm super comfortable with this label right now, but now that I am I can feel the hurt that's coming from it. My "fiance" (I use the term loosely, since I fucking hate him right now) kept insisting I was straight over the weekend. We are discussing the fact that I have an LGBT pride magnet on my car and I shouldn't because, quote "I'm not gay." Well, I remind him I'm bi and he tells me I'm not since I'm with a guy. I counter that it doesn't matter who I'm with I'm still bi. This goes back and forth for awhile before I give up. I did not sleep over there that night and sobbed uncontrollably on the way home (which is kind of dangerous, btw). He's also really flippant about my lack of religious beliefs, which to me is hilarious since he hasn't been to church in who knows how long. I don't know how much longer I can stay with him, but I'm afraid to break up with him because then I'll be completely alone. I have no friends to talk to about anything, so he's kind of all I have.
Then today at work I had free time, and happened upon a link to It's a completely benign website that sells LGBT pride jewelry. No links to porn or anything like that. Turns out this, and any link with "gay" in it are blocked at my place of work. So is I'm just so grossed out right now, I can't even.

Jan. 22nd, 2012

Since I have no one to talk to about the Stand, I guess I'll have to get out my thoughts here. This is my fifth or sixth read-through of this amazing book. I now count it as my favorite book. I now stop reading just before Nick is killed, because he is my favorite character and I don't need to read about his senseless death again. It seems to me that Frannie, Larry, and Stu shouldn't have waited until the council meeting to figure out what they were going to do about Harold and Nadine. Leo had told Larry that the council was the old way. God had wanted to make Larry understand that time was of the essence, and that they shouldn't wait for a group decision. Maybe they should have gone to Nick that night and figured something out then. I only involve Nick because he was the one (or the One, as you might believe). He was chosen by God to face Randall Flagg, so he should have been part of any plan. They should have tried to find Harold and Nadine right then. Nick, Sue, and the others wouldn't have died if the council hadn't gotten so wrapped up in the bureaucracy of the old ways. America was dead; there was no reason to cling to that. God obviously didn't want it that way; I think he spoke through Leo when Leo fell into that trance.  I know that Stephen King wanted to shake up the complacency of his characters. I get that. I always thought it was ludicrous that they thought they should figure out what H & N were doing by committee. It was obvious that it was bad. Just find the bastards! Gah, I'm gonna start reading from the beginning again. I'll pretend that Nick survived and confronted Randall Flagg. That God takes over his body, speaks through him, and rips out Randall Flagg's heart. That the Las Vegas crew begs for forgiveness and flees. I like that ending.


Just frustrated

I have these things, they're called obsessions. I don't know where they come from, or what they are triggered by. It can be an obsession with a book, movie, or tv show. I did obsess about the play Hair for awhile as well. Escapes from reality, I guess you would call them. Currently I have dueling obsessions with Disney World and the movie Untamed Heart. Although I'm planning a trip to Disney, so that's part of it. I rarely see a movie as romantic with two lead having as much chemistry as Untamed Heart, so I guess that's where that comes from. My frustration is that after four years, my boyfriend does not understand how my obsessions work. They can be fleeting or lasting, but once I have something I love, I will love it always, even if I no longer think about it constantly. He asks how I can watch a movie three times in one week, well, it's like if I love a song, I can listen to it ten times in a row and it doesn't get old. I don't share these things with everyone, they're just for me. I would, of course, appreciate if he would humor me and if it's a movie watch it just once with me. I was obsessed with Repo! the Genetic Opera, for about a month. He couldn't bear to watch it with me. Untamed Heart, same thing. It's an hour and forty minutes of your fucking life and you can't watch it just to make me happy? It will be something else next month, or maybe I'll be back to one of my old ones, who knows? It just hurts that he can't share a moment with me.

Writer's Block: Surfin’ Safari

Do you bring your laptop on vacation? Is it to do work or homework or just for the joy of surfing/connecting?

I bring my laptop on vacation because I need to stay connected! If I'm not on top of the latest film industry news/gossip, I'll die!

I loved it!

I had such an awesome experience at the New Kids concert on Thursday. It was amazing to see the guys and to know how much they care about their fans. I danced to every song and knew every word. My throat ached and my calves hurt the whole next day. I want to be part of the NKOTB community so bad. I want to be one of the million sisters! I know that I am just by being a fan, but I want to be one of those fans.I am going to start saving up for the cruise, hopefully if I have a goal I'm saving for I can do it. Hopefully I can make some friends in the community so I'll have someone I can go with. This is the ultimate fan experience. So it's not something I would ask just anyone to go with me to.


What a let down

Being back home, I mean. I went to NYC this weekend to visit my brother, who is living in Queens for the summer. I love NY so much, I can't wait to live there myself. The atmosphere, the food, everything is so amazing. We hopped on the subway and in about twenty minutes we were on 34th St, which is where tons of stores and everything are. The horror con was okay. It was kind of small but lots of cool people were there and we saw some interesting trailers, one for a movie called Stake Island which looks really good. I bout Sgt. Kabukiman finally for $10 and me and Jon watched it on Saturday night. It was so funny, especially since the main music was the song from Madame Butterfly renmixed in various ways. Sunday we saw Drag Me to Hell, it was really good, except the finally scene stayed in my head the rest of the day! The walk to the theater wasn't too bad, only like fifteen minutes. It was just so hot out! We took the subway down to a comic book store that was too far away to walk to and it was really small but packed with tons of books. Jon seemed really happy with it. I was really sad to leave, but I'll probably go back in a few weeks, this time maybe with Lizz in tow.


Writer's Block: Get It to Go

What's your favorite thing to order for takeout (or takeaway)?
Chinese food is my absolute favorite form of takeout, followed by Greek.

Writer's Block: Regrets Only

Do you think that animals feel regret?
I don't know. My dogs always get a look on their faces when they know they did something wrong, and their ears go back and their tails go down. That's probably maybe something more akin to guilt though.


I'm so tired right now, I really don't feel like going anywhere tonight. Oh, well. I'm so excited about going to the Fango Weekend of Horrors this weekend. I'm glad my brother is so gung-ho about stuff. Plus, we might get to see this hot bitch:

I know he's getting a little worn around the eyes, but I don't care. He's an awesome singer too! My stomach is still all fucked up from the delicious food I had yesterday from Outback. I took Immodium this morning, maybe that's why I'm so irpy? I have to fix my mom's research paper (the citing part anyway). I wish she could do this shit herself sometimes.
My MacBook won't be here til Monday :- (

Writer's Block: Place of Residence

Describe your dream house (even if it's not a house).
A penthouse in NYC, please! Even a 1 bedroom in Brooklyn Heights will do!